So I met with the coach yesterday....

... and now I'm at the library doing a bunch of homework.

What have I done in the past that I'm good at?

What have I done that 'lights me up' and makes me feel good?

What do I really want in life?

What are my unique gifts, talents and accomplishments?

What does my ideal career look like?

And what kind of money do I need to make?

While the discussion was good, and I'm committed to the process, I wonder if I'm going in circles. I've done some self-exploration work in the past, and it's hard not to go back to the same places I've been and give the same pat answers. I'm sitting here looking at the worksheets thinking, "What did I say about this when I went to Kripalu? Didn't I cover that in therapy? What was the answer then?"

There's a lot of value in looking at where I've been, and I certainly don't want to throw away perfectly good work, but I do wonder if it blinds me to things I haven't considered. In other words, am I taking the path of least resistance here? Am I going in with pre-conceived ideas of what I want to do?

So much angst so quickly. I have two weeks to complete these worksheets before I meet with the coach again. I guess I'll just keep at it and keep it top of mind, take some notes, pay attention to my dreams, maybe talk with a few people for their observations. Not that I'm looking for someone else to do the work for me, but some conversation with friends might shake something loose in my mind. At the very least, they can tell me how wonderful I am, ha, ha, ha.

The hardest part might just be in preventing the self-limiting thinking. I even found myself doing it when I talked with the coach. She asked, for example, about my volunteer work, and I mentioned that I'd considered becoming a ranger, but once I saw some of the garbage they have to do (administrative stuff, etc.), I realized it was more fun just volunteering. Now, every job is going to have some unappealing aspects. You keep pushing the un-fun stuff to the foreground, you're never going to find anything to appreciate about anything. Let some blue sky into the process, and maybe you'll get somewhere.

I've got to get to the action part, and this is the path. Figure out what you want to do, build the plan... and get moving on it. And if you're scared as hell, well, that's okay, too. But the bottom line is that thinking about it isn't enough. You have to take the plunge.

Gosh, I hope this is true

"Change is the law. Everything changes, as could be obvious to whoever looks around carefully. Because everything changes, everything is possible. No change, no gain, as no one has yet said-- at least, as far as I can tell.

The French say that 'The more things change, the more they remain the same.' I often think that, although there are really no accidents, truly positive transformational change is almost like an accident or windfall profit; and that practicing nonresistence combined with intentionally and consciously working to help make it happen--plus the the readiness and willingness which keeps you supple and resilient-- makes you more accident prone. This freedom-directedness and growth orientation, which is directly opposed to stagnation and getting caught too long in ruts, is the secret of creative living, inner freedom and autonomy. It's more than just going with the flow, joe; conscious living means remembering the flow goes allways through you, and your healthy needs and wishes, creativity, imagination, aspiration and dreams are also part of it."

-Lama Surya Das, from New Dharma Talks

Taking the step

In just a few minutes, I'm chatting with a coach.

Yup, I took the plunge and scheduled an introductory session with a coach I met last fall at that NYU entrepreneurship seminar I attended. She's been involved in creative fields (writer, actor) and business, so she might just have the perspective that will be helpful for me.

I'm apprehensive, even just to have this meet-and-greet chat. This could result in being held to a plan, a schedule and results. Somehow I'm not disciplined enough to do it myself, to forge accountability for myself. I know it doesn't make me a bad person, and it's not uncommon, but it's uncomfortable.

But nothing good has ever come from being complacent, right? And what's complacency look like? Going back to what I did before?