Slowly, ever slowly.... I'm finding that the spreadsheet deadlines mean that I'm going to do the needed work on the very last day of the timeframe I've allocated for the specific task.

Oh, and really, asking people to talk with me about their careers? The worst thing is that they say no to my request, right? I'm coming up against the same fears and shyness I faced when I was looking for an advertising copywriting job yea back in my youth. That didn't work out too well... and I can't afford failure this time.

On the other hand, volunteering at Ellis Island has gotten kind of fun with the rush of foreign tourists. The other day I used my rusty college French to help a couple whose English was worse than my French... somehow figured out what they were trying to convey (not one of the usual questions) and hopefully gave them some useful information. It was great to hear the words coming out of my mouth... and actually being understood!

The process moves forward

Okay ... I've got stuff to do and things to accomplish.

Over the next three weeks, I've got to make contacts, re-establish others, start doing informational interviews, and see what the fates bring me (in addition to my own efforts, not instead of).

I've spent a good part of today working on spreadsheets, lists, questions, ideas, and a SCHEDULE of what I need to get done, and when. I'm attempting (successfully, I think), to break the process of networking/informational interviewing into manageable nuggets, along with starting and due dates for each of them. If I get some of 'em done before deadline, great -- onto the next step -- but I've got to keep myself firmly on task. When I talk with my coach in three weeks, I want to have made some progress.

So what are the areas I'm looking at? Documentary filmmaking, freelance writing, and something called corporate storytelling. Fortunately there are aspects of each of them that I have some familiarity with, so I'm not totally blind here, but at the same time, it'll be a challenge for me to do all of the legwork I need to do to fully understand what the fields entail, experience I need to gain, how I can transfer my current skills, and how the heck I get a job and make a living at any of them. Putting together lists and deadlines is great... but it means nothing unless I follow through and do the hard work.

As always, the big hurdle is having the discipline to keep up the momentum. But as I keep telling myself, it's gotta get done... or I just go back to what made me miserable in the past.

Adelante, siempre adelante!

Third meeting with the coach happens this afternoon.

So far a lot of the same themes keep coming up -- writing, history, preservation, nature, being a know-it-all -- which disappointed me when I was doing the homework. A fresh set of eyes seems to be doing some good, though. The coach looked at all of it, plus some of the stuff I've enjoyed doing in past jobs, and made a few connections I've never considered. For example, documentary filmmaking.

That's a new one, but it makes a lot of sense. I mean, consider that last winter I was all gung-ho about getting a producer interested in documenting the history and deterioration of Fort Hancock. (And no, I didn't make the next step, because I never heard back from the ranger who'd be the primary information source.) I've always enjoyed working with production crews on video shoots and managing post-production. I like putting a story together, and I certainly have a different way of looking at things. And... I think I already have some contacts to get more perspective from.

So do I become the next Ken Burns wannabe? Not sure, but I have to figure something out pretty soon...

So I met with the coach yesterday....

... and now I'm at the library doing a bunch of homework.

What have I done in the past that I'm good at?

What have I done that 'lights me up' and makes me feel good?

What do I really want in life?

What are my unique gifts, talents and accomplishments?

What does my ideal career look like?

And what kind of money do I need to make?

While the discussion was good, and I'm committed to the process, I wonder if I'm going in circles. I've done some self-exploration work in the past, and it's hard not to go back to the same places I've been and give the same pat answers. I'm sitting here looking at the worksheets thinking, "What did I say about this when I went to Kripalu? Didn't I cover that in therapy? What was the answer then?"

There's a lot of value in looking at where I've been, and I certainly don't want to throw away perfectly good work, but I do wonder if it blinds me to things I haven't considered. In other words, am I taking the path of least resistance here? Am I going in with pre-conceived ideas of what I want to do?

So much angst so quickly. I have two weeks to complete these worksheets before I meet with the coach again. I guess I'll just keep at it and keep it top of mind, take some notes, pay attention to my dreams, maybe talk with a few people for their observations. Not that I'm looking for someone else to do the work for me, but some conversation with friends might shake something loose in my mind. At the very least, they can tell me how wonderful I am, ha, ha, ha.

The hardest part might just be in preventing the self-limiting thinking. I even found myself doing it when I talked with the coach. She asked, for example, about my volunteer work, and I mentioned that I'd considered becoming a ranger, but once I saw some of the garbage they have to do (administrative stuff, etc.), I realized it was more fun just volunteering. Now, every job is going to have some unappealing aspects. You keep pushing the un-fun stuff to the foreground, you're never going to find anything to appreciate about anything. Let some blue sky into the process, and maybe you'll get somewhere.

I've got to get to the action part, and this is the path. Figure out what you want to do, build the plan... and get moving on it. And if you're scared as hell, well, that's okay, too. But the bottom line is that thinking about it isn't enough. You have to take the plunge.

Gosh, I hope this is true

"Change is the law. Everything changes, as could be obvious to whoever looks around carefully. Because everything changes, everything is possible. No change, no gain, as no one has yet said-- at least, as far as I can tell.

The French say that 'The more things change, the more they remain the same.' I often think that, although there are really no accidents, truly positive transformational change is almost like an accident or windfall profit; and that practicing nonresistence combined with intentionally and consciously working to help make it happen--plus the the readiness and willingness which keeps you supple and resilient-- makes you more accident prone. This freedom-directedness and growth orientation, which is directly opposed to stagnation and getting caught too long in ruts, is the secret of creative living, inner freedom and autonomy. It's more than just going with the flow, joe; conscious living means remembering the flow goes allways through you, and your healthy needs and wishes, creativity, imagination, aspiration and dreams are also part of it."

-Lama Surya Das, from New Dharma Talks

Taking the step

In just a few minutes, I'm chatting with a coach.

Yup, I took the plunge and scheduled an introductory session with a coach I met last fall at that NYU entrepreneurship seminar I attended. She's been involved in creative fields (writer, actor) and business, so she might just have the perspective that will be helpful for me.

I'm apprehensive, even just to have this meet-and-greet chat. This could result in being held to a plan, a schedule and results. Somehow I'm not disciplined enough to do it myself, to forge accountability for myself. I know it doesn't make me a bad person, and it's not uncommon, but it's uncomfortable.

But nothing good has ever come from being complacent, right? And what's complacency look like? Going back to what I did before?

Somebody else's job always seems more interesting

Deep in the paralysis of angst, I just did some googling for a career coach and came upon a site called Vocation Vacations. Run by a career coach, this business is a great racket: sell opportunities for people to do short internships with people who already have their dream careers. So, for example, if you want to be a stand-up comedian, you pay a thousand bucks or so to spend time with a comic and get a taste of what he/she does on the job. You get to see the inner workings of the career, just like an internship, and presumably the mentor also gets a cut of the fee.

Interesting, right? Then I looked through the list and saw some jobs I know about, either from having done them, or having known people who had them. Lemme tell you -- they ain't what they appear to be:

• "Chocolate maker/pastry chef." I knew someone who had this job. Lots of time on your feet, sick of the smell of chocolate, and do you really want to make 5000 little chocolate boxes containing the ideal profiterole? Sheer hell for a perfectionist. Especially in the summer.
• "Event planner." I've planned events. Everyone sees the party at the end, but what they don't see is the stress the planner goes through to make sure none of the guests is troubled by the slightest glitch.
• "Author." As Anne Lamott noted in Bird by Bird, being published doesn't make you the richest, or even happiest person in the world. And if your work isn't marketable, it doesn't make you famous, either. You do it because you're compelled. And don't mind the prospect of holding a couple of other jobs so you don't end up poor.
• “Entertainment publicist.” Again, the world sees parties, palling around with celebrities. But who wants to be awakened at 4 a.m. when said celebrity client is arrested for DWI or worse? Pick your clients well, yes, but probably most of the people who dream of this job aren’t thinking “Yo Yo Ma” when they’re considering their dream client.

And yup, Park Ranger was on the list of dream jobs. Luckily I haven't had to pay a fee to find out the inside skinny on that one over the past few months. Hey, the Park Service is happy to take you in and give you a shirt, hat and nametag, to boot.

I'm glad I chose to put in time at two very different parks, especially now that the summer season is upon us.. I’m getting two different experiences, partially because of the nature of the parks, and because the relationship is different.

Ellis Island is really heating up, so to speak. We’re reaching the end of the school trip rush (hundreds of kids wearing identical t-shirts with statements like “Podunk HS ’10: NYC here we come!”) but seem to be flowing into the foreign traveler season. Everybody visits the Statue of Liberty on a New York trip, and Ellis Island is the next stop on the ferry. Lots of people wanting to take our tours, lots of people asking where the bathroom is. Even lots of people wanting to know where the subway is (uh, not anywhere on the island). Very busy rangers, very busy volunteers, some tempers flaring.

Edison is seeing somewhat of an upswing in visitation, too. Though we're probably past the school group season, there are still adult groups that want to check the place out, so I've been at the house, helping to shepherd tours through. In fact, last Friday I did my very first entire house tour, constantly getting stumped by some of the retired school teachers in the group. However, the previous time I was there, I wasn't exactly in the best of moods to interact with the public (see previous post).

All of this experience is leading me to think I might be just a little too moody, or something, to have this much contact with so much of the public on a regular basis. Either I have to find a way to put on a good game face (cue acting skills!) or choose not to be a guide. Maybe it's just that I've gotten a bit bored with the situation. God knows I crave variety, but then it's also my responsibility to find a way through that. Change up the tour, get chatty with people to customize things to their interests, up my game.

In different ways, both locations offer that opportunity if I choose to take it. The rangers and leadership at the Edison site, in particular, are very appreciative of volunteers and are encouraging us to work on programs we can present. Seems the sky is the limit there.

Ellis Island is a different story. Because we volunteer through a separate organization, we don't have as much ranger oversight, though the staff there is helpful and friendly for the most part. We're pretty much on our own to develop and modify our Ferry Building tours as we see fit. The volunteer base is committed, smart and tight-knit, which is acknowledged by NPS staff. It's a good thing, too, as the separate organization ran into financial problems and doesn't have dedicated staff to oversee the volunteer program. Thus, we're pretty much on our own.