Monday, November 8, 2010

Telling stories, yet again

So the relationship with the boyfriend is over. Too much attentiveness turned a bit suffocating... to the point where I felt I couldn't be myself anymore. And, of course, we all know that when you don't feel like yourself, you have to stop and wonder why.

I did, and I ended it. Really, when it came down to it, it was a matter of future. We'd been together a year, and by that time, I figured, you either know if you want to spend all eternity with this person, or not. Either the relationship is growing or it's got cracks that can fast become fault lines.

Ours was the second, not the first. The parting was a bit dramatic (on his end) for a week or two, and then he calmed down and accepted the reality of the whole situation. So at least, hopefully, I didn't create any additional bad karma for myself. I'm still amazed at how naturally the breakup came to me and how quickly I've moved past it. Maybe I saw it coming all along. Maybe that tsimmis back in the spring was the start of it, but I've done my crying and my mourning for what it was. And, if anything, I've given gratitude for what the relationship gave me, and what it taught me, which was a lot.

Now, for whatever crazy reason, I decided to re-up with eHarmony. Yeah, yeah. Maybe it's premature, but they were having a special, anyway. What the heck. I figured that my relative lack of success on getting attention in the past would only persist, anyway.

Apparently I was wrong. Within a week of joining, I've had plenty of communication. Now there are three different matches (and by different, I mean different) who seem interested enough to want to meet. I've got two phone numbers to call, and it seems that the third will be coming soon enough. Maybe it's the 'new' (or 'original') me who's been able to emerge from the overworked, cynical frustrated woman I was before I quit my job. That's encouraging.

The attention is kinda nice, even if it turns to not much overall. At least I seem engaging enough on paper (which I always thought I was, at least before the job dragged me down), and I guess my photos are appealing enough (which has been a perennial sore point for me). After so many shut downs in the past, I'd pretty much come to the conclusion that I wasn't all that attractive to many men. But the last couple of men I've been involved with (most especially the last one) were more than enthusiastic about my looks and overall attractiveness. I personally think I'm somewhere in the middle, but I'll admit the scale in my mind has bumped up a few notches with some encouragement over the years.

I approach the 'open communication' or phone-call stage of eH with a little trepidation, though. This is the point where you e-mail freely within their system, having gotten past their more structured Q&A format. Anything is up for discussion if you want, including what you do for a living. I've listed my occupation as "communications strategist," which I suppose I still am. When it comes to the job, well... I'm still figuring it out and feeling an impending sense of dread.

Yeah, too much time thinking (or not thinking) and not enough time doing, especially lately. Not a lot to show for it, but for a blog, some photography, half-done research on the documentary thing, and somewhere around 400 hours of volunteer time with the National Park Service. Oh, and maybe some restored sanity? But none of that pays the bills. Which makes me nervous. And potentially could get a prospective partner/mate/whathaveyou a bit suspicious about my intent, or at least skeptical about the fire in my belly.


  1. Hmm, yes, we always suspected you were a gold digger! (not)

  2. You'd only end up kicking yourself if you didn't give it a try....hmmm...that seems to apply both to relationships and to your period of career exploration and finding yourself...hope you find both yourself and someone out there worth finding.....